The Delicate Art of Separating Business From Pleasure

Don't let business or pleasure tip your scale!
Keep a balance and see your goals
come true!

Doesn’t it always seem that when you suit up to conduct business, a welcome distraction comes along?! I know for me that is ALWAYS the case! Aside from my day job, I am in the process of starting a business and I am waist deep in the trenches building a solid foundation. In following my dream, I am often pulled in a lot of directions. Whether an invitation from a friend for dinner and drinks, a swanky date with a promising prospect, a shindig with the fam, or a much needed vacation, pleasure always sneaks its way in! It would be nonsensical to turn everything down with “fun” attached to it, but I have to be realistic.

Man has always struggled with the daunting task of doing what NEEDS to be done versus what he WANTS to do. Whether working a job or completing an imperative task, taking care of business gets a lot of negative press! Even the thought of business brings a lot of cold and boring thoughts to mind. The pressure to get things done, the rigidity of an office or work environment, the confinement of rules,  coping with co-workers, unruly customers/clients and the overwhelming feeling that you would rather be anywhere else in the world! Then there is pleasure…Ahh, good old pleasure! The joy of being uninhibited, the glee in doing what you want, the passion that consumes you, the elation of freedom and the sheer bliss you inherit from releasing what binds you! Both business and pleasure are necessary in our lives. We have to support ourselves just as well as we need to reward ourselves. However, we have to find a healthy balance between the two. Just like oil and vinegar, you can try to blend your business and pleasure and they will inevitably separate. So how exactly do you keep both in their place without sacrificing all the things you need?

1) Don’t Be Afraid to Use the Word No!

Pleasure is often short-lived.
Put in the work now!

I’m an avid believer that the work you put in now can translate into more fun later. Saying “no” may be the first step. That old fable about the ant and the grasshopper comes to mind with this topic. If you don’t remember it or have never heard it, the ant spent all summer putting in work. He traveled back and forth stocking food and preparing for winter. The grasshopper attempted to stop him many times to play music and have fun. The ant didn’t give in and warned the grasshopper that he should consider stocking some food for the winter also. The grasshopper didn’t see the point. He continued to play and enjoy the beauty of summer. Once winter came, the ant was comfortable, warm and had all the food he needed while the grasshopper was out in the cold with nothing but some memories and an empty stomach. Not to mention, begging the ant for a place to stay and a morsel of food!

So my moral for this story is:

Stand your ground and get it done! Business may not always be fun, but the rewards last a lot longer than pleasure!

2) Surround Yourself With People Who Support Your Goals!

The people who love you and care about your success will not pressure you to walk away from the work that will get you there. In my last relationship, my ex was a great motivator. He would give me suggestions to get things moving, the positive energy I needed to keep going, and the time I needed to get things done. Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one. I make it a mission to surround myself with people who value the fun times, but support and encourage handling business. Even now, everybody that knows me takes the time to ask how my business is progressing and if I need any help in getting there. I don’t keep a lot of grasshoppers around! They may know how to let the good times roll, but when the sun stops shining they are more harm than good.

3) Let Some Pleasure In!

Know when to let loose!
Life is short; enjoy it!

When you have done all you can, take a break! Piggybacking off of suggestions 1 & 2, use the word NO when it comes to killing yourself over work. Also, make time for the people who support you. They are your biggest fans and will share in your success and your failures. Enjoy their company, take a trip, go shopping, eat a favorite dish with a glass of wine, go to the spa, do something spontaneous, let your tension go with a well needed activity of your choosing! Some people make the mistake of working non-stop and end up resenting their lives. It’s important to be serious and business oriented, but it’s also healthy and necessary to let loose and enjoy life!

In closing remember, balance is a direct relative to sacrifice. There are times that I use the dreaded word “NO” with people I love and situations I would love to be in. I also let them know why and they understand. When I’m satisfied with the work I have done, I take the time I need for me and don’t apologize for it! That my dear friends is the delicate art of separating business from pleasure!

Dismiss the Haters in The Midst!

And they mean it!  Just don't let them kill
your dreams!

"Re-examine all you have been told.

Dismiss what insults your Soul."

~Walt Whitman ~

Beware out there! There are haters in the midst! You may have seen a few in your travels through life. They are the people who plot to stop you from reaching your goals. The ones who wait for you to fall so they can sweep in like vultures and prey on your weakness. The ones who pretend to care when you are down and retreat when things start looking up. So whatever you do don’t stop and allow them to catch you. Leave them in the dust while you fervently chase your dreams! This week is all about what matters most…YOU! The focus is on being the best we can be and leaving anything behind that goes against that!

Marine Biologist, Pediatrician, Pianist, Lawyer, and Surgeon.

Listed above are all the careers I toyed around with having as a child. Isn’t it amazing how lofty, grand and spectacular our dreams can be as children?! Yes, life happens and changes our perspective on what we considered great ideas, but why? When exactly do we lose the mentality that we CAN do anything? Growing up I was exposed to many places, people and ideas thanks to parents who cared enough to raise me. All of these experiences led me to think about whom I could be and I never placed a limit on how far I could go. Now, I’m at a stage in my life where I have met obstacles, haters and negative circumstances. My response to this is… “So What?!” I’m still going to be the best Eboni I can be!

People always seem to come along and question your dreams when they are just getting good! Have you ever told a friend/loved one your plans for the future with anticipation of their response? Has this same friend/loved one turned around and doubted your ability to accomplish the goals you set for yourself? I think we have all been there! No matter how strong or serious you are about your decision, you will always find some value and clout in what someone you love, or despise, says to you. I love the quote above because it is a two-pronged approach to facing adversity and negativity from haters or loved ones.

Review what others say, but in the end,
make your own decisions!

FIRST: “Re-examine all you have been told.” Try to find something within their statements that may ultimately help you. It may be something you didn’t think of doing. It may just be you fighting to prove that your dreams are worth living. Become motivated by what is meant to discourage!

SECOND: “Dismiss what insults your soul.” Let go of all the negative aspects of another person’s opinion. This life is your own! Grasp it and mold it into what YOU see fit. Bump the thoughts and feelings of others when you have made an executive decision. You can’t entertain every show someone puts on for you.

One of my favorite books growing up was “The Little Engine That Could”. That little engine had a tough job to do and not a lot of support. He managed to pull all those toys, gifts, and food up the mountain with four simple words and a positive attitude. So the next time somebody tests you, questions the dreams you are chasing or blocks your way up life's mountain, remember these things… Always believe in the power of you. The world is full of people, opportunities, chances and choices. You have to get out and make your opportunities happen. Anything worth having is worth working for. People will try to tear you down and you will probably never forget what they did; try to anyway! There will always be at least one person who doubts you; close your ear to them. And if anybody asks you, “What make you so different?”, look them in the eyes and say,


I THINK I CAN! THEREFORE I AM!

When Good Just Isn't Good Enough

Will the curtain close on our
friendship?

I'm a fan of a good play.  Watching a story unfold on stage and never quite knowing what is going to happen.  Relating to a charater based on the situation they are connected with.  Wondering what's going on behind the scenes when the curtain falls.  Anticipating what will happen when they go back up.  Good times!  My life has always been a stage.  Various colorful characters, vivid and captivating scenes, drenched with drama, and a surprise around every corner.  Many scenes in my life have ended without my knowledge and I was left standing solo on stage.  There is this one particular scene though that is in constant transition.  One that has soothed me when I was worried.  One that has confused me beyond belief.  One that has hurt me more than any other.  I'm left to wonder how this situation will play out. 

Carrying on with the "Lies, Secrets, and Betrayal" week, I found it only appropriate to talk about a friend/love-ship that I have with someone.  We have had our share of arguments, betrayal, lies, and secrets.  Every time we have worked it out and bounced back stronger, but I'm getting to a point where I don't think I can do it anymore.  I've recently dealt with and tolerated the latest betrayal, almost foolishly.  Now I'm faced with deciding if this entire relationship is worth holding on to.  As much as I love them, they have put me in a box that is confining and borderline demeaning considering the type of woman I am.  It leads me to think of a saying my mom instilled in me...

"Baby, sometimes good just ISN'T good enough."

So when you don't know what to do, what do you do?  It's always harder when you love someone unconditionally.  You find yourself sticking around despite the qualms in your past.  I honestly don't remember every fight, but the residual effects from each have built up and created a block.  This same block is creating an invisible rift between us that I fight to conquer every day.  I don't know about you, but I'm tired of always being the bigger person.  The one to make the difficult phone calls, initiate the uncomfortable conversations, and ultimately decide the fate of a relationship on your own.  I've known this person for many years and with all the changes we have went through, I know they have done their part in fixing what they destroyed.  Our relationship is like a bridge that keeps sparking up at the corners, but never quite burns down.  Eventually, I'm worried that the fire is going to catch and we will be separated for more than a few weeks or months.  We will be over and our friendship will disintegrate into oblivion.

I don't want to leave, but
a part of me needs to know
the nearest exit just in case!

For right now, I'm taking my time to weigh my options.  As much as we have done for each other, I know there is something missing.  For once, we may not be able to talk this one out.  My love will always be there, but like I said in a previous post, "You can love someone, but that has nothing to do with whether they are in your life."  Since my life is a stage and this scene is kicking my butt, I'm really considering gracefully exiting stage left.  It may be a rash decision, but after all this stress, a girl could really use an intermission!  Ta-ta for now and hopefully I will get my life together my loves! 

Lies, STD's, and Cheating: The Deadly Truth

STOP accepting the lies when
it comes to your health!
(Pic courtesy of http://dailygab.com/easier/1998) 

"I was just ****ing them girls, I was gon get right back." 
-Jay-Z.  "Song Cry"

"I tell those other girls the truth because I don't care about them, I lie to you because I care about your FEELINGS."
-Tyrese in Baby Boy

"I live by a don't ask, don't tell policy.  It's not on me to inform a chick of anything.  Most females are too impressed by me to even ask."
-Derrick. A habitual liar and chronic cheater; one of the main characters in my novel, "Never No More".

NOW THE MOST IMPORTANT QUOTE:

"Anyone who can be trusted in little matters can also be trusted in important matters. But anyone who is dishonest in little matters will be dishonest in important matters."

Luke 16:10 (CEV)

This scripture manages to sum it up quickly.  In tonight's post, the important matter is our health.  I compiled these quotes and the scripture to show that regardless of whether it's music, movies, or literature, there are still people out there that promote unsafe sex practices with strangers, people they don't know well, or even the one's they trust.  Nobody wants to talk about the other side of this dangerous game; becoming the victim of an STD.

Cheating has become the new standard in many relationships.  In a world where excess, lust and satiation of our desires is encouraged, the consequences can be deadly.  While doing research for this post, I was so hurt behind some of the things I found.  These are just a handful of some of the disgusting statistics I came across:

1) I took an online health study and came across these disturbing answers:

"Have you ever had an STD test? How long ago was it?

Have the conversation early and often.  Your health is
worth it.

Out of 493,456 responses these were the results... 

63% No, I've never had one.

12% Yes, more than 2 years ago

8%   Yes, 1 to 2 years ago

7%   Yes, 3 to 12 months ago

5%   Yes, within the last 3 months

Then the next question asked:

Do you have HIV?

Out of 407,612 responses these were the results...

85% Definitely not

11% Not to my knowledge

0%   Yes

(*Courtesy of http://sex.healthguru.com/applications/survey/srvyid/2?RedElephant16)

(Now you KNOW somebody is lying!  For 63% of a group to say they have NEVER been tested, how can they turn around and be positively sure that they don't have HIV?  Food for thought!)

2) "Researchers found that of the 783 adults surveyed in the Chicago area, one third of sexual relationships lack exclusivity, and one in 10 men and women said that both they and their partner had slept with other people. The study concluded that "being involved with a friend increased the likelihood of non-monogamy by 44 percent for women and 25 percent for men."

Read more: http://www.essence.com/lifestyle/health/friends_with_benefits_increases_risk_of.php#ixzz0xg4YqoCy

3) "HIV/AIDS is the leading cause of death for black women 25-34 years old."
(*Courtesy of Essence Magazine; September 2010 ed.; p.223)

4) "Blacks/African Americans accounted for 52% of new HIV diagnoses and 48% of AIDS diagnoses in 2008."

"Among men diagnosed with AIDS in 2008, 52% of black/African American men, 63% of Hispanic/Latino men and 78% of white men became infected with HIV through male-to-male sexual contact. Among women diagnosed with AIDS in 2008, 77% of black/African American women, 75% of Hispanic/Latino women and 65% of white women became infected through heterosexual contact."
(*Courtesy of http://www.avert.org/usa-race-age.htm)

I promise I will cover the down low brother topic another day, but I hope these stats helped you get a more realistic view of what we are facing as a sexually deviant society.  It's important to get tested often and protect yourself during ANY sexual encounter.  Don't let any type of media fool you, this is an epidemic that can be altered with some common sense, the release of pride and communication.

What's below the surface
is worth discovering.

Common sense is something that usually evades us when it comes to the heat of the moment.  Usually nobody wants to have the dreaded STD talk or even ask about previous partners.  However, sex is not a topic worth being embarrased over.  My mom has always said, "If you act grown, you have to be ready for grown decisions."  These decisions are not easy to make, but never be afraid to face your partner.  This is the only life you have.  Besides, if you have to worry about a person's reaction, maybe sex is the wrong activity to consider. 

When it comes to our sexual health, I think it's important for communication to increase.  Now, it's completely up to you what type of conversation you need to have with your partner.  If you want to be Super CSI or simply ask a person's view on protection, this is still better than believing a person "looks" clean.  This is not an aesthetic (outer beauty/looks) issue; this is a below the surface issue that requires a doctor's clean bill of health attached.  So don't be afraid to skip dinner and a movie and head for the clinic.  It may not be sexy, but hey, burning and itching while taking your medicine isn't too attractive either! Have the tough conversations, get tested, wrap it up, and extend your life by making smarter decisions.  Love ya bunches and good health to you all!  

 

Three Letter Word With Unlimited Possibilities!

We have all done it at least once.  Sometimes they are white, according to Shakira and B the people who do it can be beautiful, some call them little or harmless.  Whatever you put in front of it, a lie is still a lie.  The formulation of a lie can destroy, betray, upset, cover up, enhance, or excite the person who receives it.  All lies are capable of snowballing out of control and in some cases can result in deadly consequences.  If there is one thing I can't put my stamp of approval on in any relationship, it is dishonesty.  For all those reading this, if you ever want to get rid of me simply lie to me!  Works every time!  Now before I go any further, I don't want to be misconstrued as a perfect specimen.  I'm definitely not.  However, we all have our no-nos when it comes to what is acceptable in our lives.  Lying happens to be one of mine.  So what exactly is a lie?

 

According to http://www.dictionary.com/, the first definition of lie is "a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood."  If I may add my own twist, I believe that a lie can also come in the form of a half truth.  Something I like to describe as telling "half truths and whole lies".  If you have ever been lied to, I'm sure you either knew for a fact it was a lie or you felt in your spirit that the story was off.  Being deceived is a hard thing to swallow.  It's true that the people you love hurt you the most.  This week, I will be going in depth with different relationships and how lies have affected them.  For me, I have been at the receiving end of a lie one too many times.  I happen to know a few liars and they all make the same mistakes.  Look out for these characteristics if you have trouble spotting a liar:

Too bad when people lie, THEIR nose
doesn't grow!

1) They tend to talk around a subject.  You can ask them a direct question and they will never give you a direct answer.

 

2) They talk way too much about irrelevant information with bits and pieces of incriminating evidence scattered throughout.

 

3) They insist on making you believe what they are saying is true or they either get defensive because they know it's not true.

 

There is no reason why I should know all this, but I do.  Life has a way of showing you what you need to see at the precise time you need to see it.  I have a no tolerance policy towards liars because it's a habit that becomes addictive and challenging.  If a person has ever lied to you and you caught them, they will often find a way to tailor and strengthen the next lie they tell.  Like most sins, lying is attractive, fun, and detrimental to relationships.  If you can't be honest with the ones you love, then who can you be honest with?

 

Tomorrow I will be covering an  epidemic that is sweeping the world; lies and std's.  It saddens me to think of what these lies are doing to families and individuals.  

 

So, keep up with me this week and let some things sink in.  If you've ever been lied to, forgive the person anyway.  Forgiveness has and always will be a comfort to the person that gives it.  If you find yourself wanting to tell a lie, think about the repercussions it could have.  Think about all the work it could create for you in the long run.  Lying is a habit that CAN be broken.  Besides, you would be surprised the freedom and peace that honesty can bring you.  Until tomorrow my loves!       

Now WHY Did He Go and Tell Me That?!

Sometimes silence is
NOT
the answer!

There are times I genuinely regret the friendship I have with some of my exes!  Last week, I got a call from a guy I used to date.  We shot the breeze for a while and then he dropped a bomb on me I was NOT ready for.  He told me a secret about someone I thought I knew well.  He also made me promise not to say anything unless absolutely necessary.  This was a secret so sinister, so juicy, so unreal to the naked ear that I almost began to cry.  It has to do with a family member of mine and now I'm left with the daunting task of whether to reveal what I've been told or stay out of it. 

Tonight's topic: When Should A Secret Go Public?

I'm a firm believer that no matter how long you have known a person, you will never know everything about them.  Even with all you may know, there could be discrepancies with that also.  It's nothing to be mad about.  It is not our duty in life to know everything about everybody.  Even if you love them.  Think about your deepest secret.  Unless it's something that can hurt, destroy, or demean someone else, what's the harm of keeping it?  I think that's the mentality of many people in this world.  So what do you do when you get undeniable knowledge about someone that you can't hold on to?  News that IS demeaning, hurtful, and/or destructive.

I'm not the guru on secrets, but if you want my advice here goes...Some secrets are not meant to be kept.  If a person feels the need to give you information, it's your choice to dispose of it from memory or keep it for future reference.  We are given choices in life.  Choices that can make or break a situation, a life, or ourselves.  If you are ever presented with a challenging decision of whether a secret needs to be revealed, take the time you need to filter through what is right and wrong.  Always, no matter what, choose what is right.  If the consequences seem to much to handle, know that God will never place more on you than you can bear.  

I'm guilty of having a big heart and I've given what my ex said a lot of thought.  My family's well-being, both physical and emotional, is more important to me than keeping this secret.  When I think of the people I love, there is nothing I would keep from them if it meant protecting them.  We are all we have and no evil will ever come between that.  Call it going back on my word, call it snitching, call it what you like.  I will never protect those who don't deserve it.  From my keyboard to your screen, this is MochaFoxx signing off!     

 

The Benefit In Breaking Up

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

~Mary Engelbreit

Breaking up sucks!  It hurts and takes a lot out of you.  However, if it's a situation that you can't change, you have to make a decision.  Think back to a break-up or brush off you may have experienced and the person you transformed into after it.  Did you thrive or did you wither? Did you pick up the pieces of your heart and build it stronger or did you become bitter and punish the world for losing a relationship?  Our attitude is what makes the difference.  

So I'm going to get a little personal tonight.  (Just so you know, I'm cringing at the thought of this! :-))  Being the Scorpio I am, I'm usually a tough cookie to crack.  Not to be conceited, but men usually fall for me first.  Then the unusual happened.  Last year, I met a guy who I fell hard for faster than usual.  The crazy part was, he seemed to fall for me too.  We spent a lot of time together, talked about everything under the sun, laughed about the stupidest things, shared our goals and dreams, and reached levels I have barely seen in other relationships.  It seemed kismet; almost unreal that five months out of a nightmare of a relationship(another post for another day!), I had come across someone who seemed so perfect for me.  I drove everybody crazy talking about him, began to daydream about the future, lost myself in everything that was him.  Then things started to change...

I wrote this in my journal the day I started to realize we weren't going to be continuing the pattern we started:

"I don't want to have to second guess his feelings for me.  He is just so abstract and I feel like I'm on pins and needles waiting to see how this plays out.  I have never felt this way about anyone and I just don't want this all to be a mistake."

So needless to say, things went sour between us.  We dissolved as quickly as we started.  To this day, I still don't know what went wrong.  Honestly, it no longer matters.  What does matter is there was no mistake made!  After I FINALLY realized that I don't regret our time together, it hit me that he probably did me a favor.  Sometimes we don't understand why people walk away from us.  Sometimes it's not for us to understand.  We have to learn how to appreciate the journey we take with certain people in our lives.  If we don't make it to the destination we set for the journey, we STILL made a trip. 

There are a lot of benefits to breaking up.  For one you get a fresh start to be better.  You get a chance to enjoy a different version of life that offers you endless possibilities and new beginnings.  Secondly, you can discover what it is you DON'T want and what you want more of!  This is something a lot of us don't know until AFTER something ends.  Third, an ending may be exactly what we need to realize how much we are loved by the other people in our lives.  Intimate relationships can be damaging to our other relationships; especially when they weren't right to being with.  Lastly, you get a chance to grow and open yourself up to a better relationship with the new found lessons you learned from the break-up.  Loosening your grip on the past allows you to get a better grasp on your future.   

After a break-up, I welcome my down time.  Not saying it's an easy transition, but it's a character-building experience.  I reflect on my part in what went wrong and what my ex did also.  After I've taken my time to regroup, I write down everything I learned from that experience.  My lessons travel to my next relationship seamlessly and they actually play a factor in the next person that I choose to be with.  With this past relationship, I realized that some situations will be unclear.  You may always hold a person in your heart, but that has nothing to do with them being in your life.  Let time heal you and reveal what you need to see.  The ex may end up being a better friend.  You never know!

I will end in this: We will fall in love and we will fall out of love.  If someone wants to walk away, let them.  It's your choice if you will still be there when, and if, they return.

Never Be Too Busy For God

One of God's Many Signs

And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth."

Genesis 9:12-13

I wanted to talk about a totally different topic tonight, but then something miraculous happened on my way home from the gym.  While driving, I began to think about my dad.  I wasn't getting sad, but there will probably always be a part of me that finds his death unreal.  There are still some days I pick up the phone with the anticipation of hearing his voice.  Today was one of those days.  But back to the story...

When I looked to the left, I saw the most beautiful and breathtaking rainbow I have ever seen in my life.  I instantly thanked God for showing me that my dad is ok.  That's when the tears started, but they weren't from sadness at all.  They were full of joy!  It's a blessing to have a relationship with God that is filled with comforting events, whether large or small.  That rainbow grew in the sky as I made the trip home.  It seemed to get brighter and never lose it's place right next to me.  I know it was only God's presence and favor of my life that allowed me to witness and appreciate his gift. 

Now just think about how many people don't receive the gifts that God has for them because they are too busy doing what they do.  There is nothing on this Earth more important that the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father.  There are some days I don't feel like going to church, but there is never a day I don't feel like going out on the town.  This is something I am working on because I want to be called by Him when it's my time; nobody or nothing else! 

I took this pic earlier this summer.  It reminds me that God
is worth taking time for.

As small as it may seem, I thank God everyday for waking me up and giving me another chance to be better than yesterday.  All of the things I love are because of Him.  All the friendships I have and the people who love me were put in my life because of Him.  The spirit of discernment I was blessed with was only a gift He could give.  Ask yourself what you were blessed with and the last time you TOOK TIME to thank Him properly. 

We waste a lot of time in this life.  Spending precious moments worrying about money, relationships, what somebody else has, what's going wrong, what's next on the agenda, and why we aren't where we want to be.  I encourage anyone who reads this to push yourself to take time out to slow down and realize what your blessings are.  No matter what you THINK you have to get done, there is nothing more important than making time for what will ultimately get you into Heaven.  A good way to start is by turning off all the distractions in your life.  Take a break from all the social activity and engage in something spiritual.  It could be as small as turning the television off for an evening or as large as going on a spiritual retreat.  Whatever you do, make time for God.

So the next time you are feeling down, angry, upset, happy, excited, or surprised, allow God to speak to you in whatever way He sees fit.  Don't deny what He places in front of you.  Be ready to listen when He speaks.  Know that He will never lead you wrong.  Never be too busy for God.

Being A Dad Does Not Make You A Father

 Planting the seed is only
the first step.

Congrats are in order for my ex and his girl who had a beautiful baby girl today!  I remember when I was told that he was expecting a baby and all I could think was..."Thank GOD it's not with me!"  However, I love the kids and despite how I feel about having children when you aren't ready, babies are still blessings.  If there is one thing I KNOW his little girl will have, it's a lot of love.  There is another side to this story though.  The side that covers why having the ability to knock someone up is not all it takes to be a father.

This past weekend, I was returning home from an exhilirating workout when who pulls up next to my car?!  The ex mentioned above!  Now mind you I haven't seen or heard anything from him since January.  I had to lay into him for not offering his condolences six months ago when my father passed.  After that business was handled, I asked about the baby.  These were my exact words...

"So, was it your plan to get her pregnant or was it an accident?"  I placed a hand on my hip, turned up my lip and got ready for the lie.

He says (while looking everywhere but at my eyes)..."Well yeah, I knew.  I laid it down and planted the seed, cultivated it and there you have it."

Even writing this makes me SMH!  I can't say that he didn't want to have a child, but I know if he could change anything it probably wouldn't be so soon.  I wonder how many other men feel this way.  That "laying it down" is a good enough reason to justify having a child.  I have many friends who are mothers without a father figure for their children.  I bet the men that were responsible for "planting the seed" felt the same way as my ex until reality set in that producing life is not a game.  It's also WAY more than the pregnancy and the first three years.  Being a father means being there, it means raising your child and teaching them the ways of the world, it means putting your needs last.  There aren't many people that can accept this responsibility without some form of resentment.  This same resentment is what results in a sickening and continuous cycle of younger parents and children that have to raise themselves.

I may be a little old-fashioned, but I want to put the horse in front of the cart and have an established family before having children.  Not that this route is a guarantee, but being a single mom is no walk in the park.  A child needs a village and at the head of this village should be the father.  Backing up to conception, I think people forget that although sex can be enjoyable, it's our form of mating.  Last time I checked, we weren't turtles who bury their eggs in the sand and let nature do the rest.  For a man to impregnate a woman, he needs to be held responsible for the choice he made to lay down with her.  Then he needs to live up to his role, put the childish games away, and make a lifelong commitment to HIS child. 

When it comes to my ex, I know he has a lot of growing up to do and maybe the presence of his daughter will help in that area.  I just wish that some men will grow up BEFORE they decide to sow their oats and leave a seed for the babies mother and her family to cultivate.  And with that said, I am done! 

The Fire Stopped Burning...Can It Be Sparked Again?

If you've ever been to the MLK Jr. center in Atlanta, you probably came across the eternal flame. Regardless of the elements and time itself, it's always burning.  It's a beautiful example that some flames can never be put out.  That brings me to a flame that once burned in my life.  One I thought would never die.  However, life pulled us apart and the flame was left stomped out.  My first love was that flame and now I'm left to question, "Can our fire be sparked again?"

First loves are so magical and pristine.  There is something about discovering love when you are young.  Your inhibitions don't exist and neither do the pride and tainted qualities that make us so diluted as adults.  All month long, I have been pondering our relationship and how beautiful and fresh it used to be.  I couldn't have these thoughts without acknowledging how shady he was and how it left me confused and heart-broken.  I'm left wondering where we went wrong and if it could ever be made right.

Will the spark return?
Only time will tell?

I don't want to get it confused because I'm not sure if I want to be in a serious relationship right now.  However, I don't wanna miss my blessing for avoiding it's presence.  It doesn't help that WE are embarking on a trip soon which will either spark that flame again or confirm that it was better left stomped out.  I guess what I'm saying is, I've been hurt before and I know how that affected my views.  I want to be fair because no matter how much time has passed, there WAS undoubtedly something between us at one point. 

Time will only tell what will be, but when it comes to my relationships, nothing is ever what it seems.  For now I'm gonna go with the flow and if the flame sparks, so be it.  If not, I will always have a great friend and lots of tender and lasting memories.  Honestly, what more can you ask for?

Brilliant, Confident, Resilient, Independent, Compassionate AND Gorgeous! Lucky Me!

We already are...and flawlessly!

Despite the title, this is not just about me.  I HAD to take the time and speak about the phenomenally beautiful women in my life and the characteristics we all share.  You can turn us inside out and the same beauty will hit you from both sides!  You can throw anything our way and we will adapt.  Matter of fact, we will thrive!  When I think of my mom, my sisters, my girlfriends, I am floored by the strength, the ability to rise like a phoenix and manage to look fly while doing it all! 

I have FINALLY reached a point in my life where I'm better than good!  Can't explain when it happened, but when I transcended into Mocha Foxx, I left the shell of my old self behind.  Despite what speed bumps I face in the road of life, I don't crash and burn!  I slow down, get over it, dust myself off, and move forward with grace!  Not to mention a trunk full of lessons learned!  This new person I have become scares me sometimes, because it's like discovering you can fly.  You never wanna stop! 

Sometimes we forget that God is in control of the heavy stuff.  All we have to do is adjust our attitude to His executive decisions.  All the women in my life know this and are exuberant examples of it!  When I look at the changes I have seen in my female family and friends over the years, I see that there is nothing I can't overcome.

My mom took charge of her family moving us to another state for the sake of a better life.

My sisters are doting mothers, working women, and examples that you can do it all and look great while doing it.

My best friend put herself through college and two jobs with no help from her family. 

A girlfriend of mine uprooted across country to seek the kind of life she deserved.

A good friend of mine took time for herself after a rough break-up and emerged more radiant and positive.

And this is just a small example of how fabulously fearless we are!

There is no limit to how far I can go.  I made a choice to be one of these women and my life is already reflecting that.  I am no longer waiting for life to come see me.  I am making my presence known!  Living the champagne life with a platinum attitude!  Planning season is almost done; now it's time for action!

So the next time somebody asks me:

Oh you fancy huh?!

I'm gonna answer:

"Yes Sir, and then some!"

Proud to Be A Pirate!

Today brought back so many memories!  After responding to a request for volunteers on Pirate Roundup for a college fair, I found myself reminiscing again.  The waterfront, Kelsey Hall, the Student Center, rusty bucket MLK, Queen Street, the Legion, the Caf, all the friends I made, working at the bookstore, getting through the hurricane in the gym :-), growing up, and graduating with a sense of pride from my Alma Mata, Hampton University...

I have reached a point three years after crossing the stage where I can say it was the best time of my life.  It brought me to the place I am today.  HU provided me with all the tools I needed to break down barriers and seize opportunities.  It filled me with pride today to see the new generation of potential students with the same anxiousness, promise, and fresh-faced wonder as I did seven years ago.  It also felt great to meet other alumni and talk with enthusiasm about how our lives turned out.  Once again, the influence of HU brings people closer.  Yes, there are problems and their always will be.  However I can't deny the positive effect attending this school has brought me. 

When I think of all the lessons I learned at Hampton, it empowers me to make every year as powerful as those four.  When I think of all the doors that opened at the mention of the name, I don't regret standing in long lines for clearance on my financial aid.  When I think of all the friends I made, I feel blessed to be connected to such talented and limitless people.  When I think of how much I grew with these components, it makes me proud to be a Pirate.  I doubt I would have received the same love, care, and maturity building life lessons if I didn't attend this prestigious school.  Hampton served as a catapult to jump-start the completion of my goals.  I will always be grateful for it's lessons.

My mom and I at my graduation! 5/13/07

Thinking back to freshman week and the camaraderie that was built, I hear this..."I love, I love, I love my QT6!"  That chant represented more than the largest freshman class this illustrious HBCU has ever seen.  It represents a chapter of my life that is filled with many fond and lasting memories.  Hampton will always be my Home By the Sea!  From my keyboard to your screen, I'm the original HamptonCutie204 signing out!

Taking My Life Off Cruise Control!

Would you take this exit?!  I certainly would!

"If you only do what you know you can do- you never do very much."

-Thomas Krause

This is my current quote of the week that I post at my job.  It's my little way of encouraging my customers to push their own boundaries.  To charter their own course instead of waiting for another to do it.  As with anything though, what is good for the goose is good for the gander.  After assessing my life, I began to wonder...

Am I grabbing control of my proverbial wheel or am I content on cruise control?

Doing what I know how to do comes naturally, but there comes a time when it gets dull.  It gets beneath you and in your heart you know you can do much better.  After talking with a good girlfriend of mine, I realized I could be doing more to reach the goals I set for myself.  I love LJ because our talks challenge me to push myself farther than I ever imagined.  To discover my calling, finish my book, make my voice known through public speaking, and live up to my full potential.  There is something so exhilarating about being in control of where your life will end up.  With a sound mind, good health, positive family and friends, and endless talents worth discovering, I am ready to regain my control!

It can be easy to set the cruise and roll with it!  No thought, no rush to stop anywhere, and no pressure to be any faster or slower.  The thought of that mentality (outside of a long road trip!) is ridiculous!  Life isn't about coasting.  It's about steering, navigating, charting your course, losing your way, and discovering different stops in which you want to pick up a souvenir or learn about a new place.  That's the type of journey I want to take in this lifetime.  So take a minute and really think...

Are you content with opportunities, people, LIFE passing you by while you sit back on cruise?

OR

Are you ready to lightly tap the brakes, stop cruising, and sit up and pay attention to where you are going and how fast you wanna get there?

The choice is yours!

RIP Daddy

Daddy and Me; Christmas '88

FEBRUARY 19, 2010

I will never forget that day for as long as I live.  This was the day that I lost my father and gained a new sense of appreciation for my life and relationships.  I miss him so much.  I haven't cried in a few weeks, but writing this brings forth a fresh set of tears.  I still can't listen to Marvin Gaye or the Isley Brothers without remembering his husky voice, his strong silent personality, and his bold laugh that always caught you off guard!  I remember the day so vividly that I heard of his passing.  Honestly, I knew something was wrong about that day from the minute I woke up:

So I'm in the shower listening to the morning show and singing, "Daddy's Home" right along with Usher.  Suddenly I was alarmed by the sound of keys jingling right outside the bathroom door.  It wouldn't have been a problem, except for the fact that I'm alone in the house that time of the morning.  Frozen in a state of uncomfortable confusion, I quickly left the shower, grabbed a screwdriver and perused the house. 

Nobody was there, or so I thought.

Ending up in the kitchen, I noticed a strange glow that illuminated the dimly lit kitchen.  I asked God to protect me and ease my growing fear.  Something made me lay down and the minute I closed my eyes, I heard the keys jingling again.  Jumping up, I continued to get dressed for work and rushed to the front door once I was done.  I had to get out of that house.  Something was there regardless of whether the naked eye could identify it.  I ran to the front door, swung it open and BAM...

This strange older lady was standing there and she scared the hell out of me!  I grabbed my chest and released the breath I didn't know I was holding.  She was going to the 2nd floor, but she said something that I considered very weird...

"You are gonna be fine baby.  Everything is gonna be just fine."

I brushed past her and received a call minutes later with the news that my father was gone.

There is no person on the face of this earth that can tell me my father wasn't in the house with me that morning.  God is real and His presence through others is such a powerful thing.  He also worked through that woman who shared her comforting message with me.  I thank Him everyday for allowing my father to come to me that morning and let me know his soul is at rest.

All of my friends tell me how strong I was through everything.  I know that strength came from knowing that regardless of the life my father may have lived on this earth, he is protected in the palm of God's hands now.  Just like the lady said, everything is just fine.  It still hurts sometimes, but then I think about the relationship we had.  I loved him so much.  He taught me he taught me how to be confident, how to drive, how to live for yourself and never care about the outcome, he taught me how to love. He taught me that life is worth living.

I didn't get a chance to mentally prepare for his death.  Everything happened in the span of a week and a half.  I have learned that time is not promised and anything worth saying is worth saying that day.  Don't wait.  You may never get the chance to have their reaction, their opinion, their presence, their love.

Thanks Daddy for all you have given me and I promise to make you proud by living an exemplary life.

Mocha Dream

It would only be appropriate to begin this blogging experience with a poem I wrote in October of 2002.  Only 16 at the time it was written, I feel this poem represents the woman I became over the years.  In it's short, yet powerful stanzas it also represents the woman that I want to remain.  Enjoy!

Color me whatever you may feel

Be it black, blue, red, tan, or green

Yet my true color will always shine through

I will always be a Mocha Dream

I will fall to no man's inhibitions

Calls to my heart I will always screen

For nothing or no one can change me

I will always be a Mocha Dream

I'm not your superwoman

Although to you it may seem

My influence is more than super-human

I will always be a Mocha Dream

I can work wonders without ever using my hands

My strength can outlast any weight-building team

For my resilience comes from my spirit, heart, and mind

I will always be a Mocha Dream

My love will always outweigh my anger

Passion blocks out my desire to be mean

For my life will be a thriving example of who I truly am

Forever and always, I will be a Mocha Queen.