Makes E Wanna Holler!: Live With the Beast, Die By the Beast...

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!  Last time I checked, I thought they belonged in the wild!  What happened to the days when people had a dog or maybe a fish in their repertoire of pets?  When people would watch Wild Kingdom and marvel at the strength and beauty of wild animals from the safety of their homes?  Although I usually indulge in the human side of relationships, I am compelled to discuss the psychology of exotic pet owners/lovers.  Lately I have become seduced by the show Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet.  If you have not seen the show, the entire premise is to introduce you to people who have deadly relationships with their exotic pets.  (I love the scared straight/horror movie feel they have going!  It screams, "GET A LIFE AND A NORMAL PET!)  So far I have seen these mentally touched pet owners fall prey to the animals they love (Bears, snakes, lizards, tigers, chimps...).  It is really sad and scary to think that people find such solace and enjoyment in animals that can rip them to shreds. 

Makes E Wanna Holler!: Break-Up Chumps...

Break-ups are normal.
Running away from them
is NOT!

What is it about breaking up with someone that makes us cringe?  Could it be the knowledge of hurting someone you once cared for?  Could it be the fear of how the person will take it?  Regardless of the outcome, breaking up is never easy for either person.  Maybe that's why people have resorted to the easy way out: the one-sided break-up.  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about!  The break-up where the dumper leaves like a thief in the night and never looks back.  Suddenly the dumpee is left wondering what happened and why the other person disappeared without so much as a last goodbye.  In the past, I've been both the dumper and the dumpee and neither is a good position.  Dealing with a break-up is hard enough without being left behind with no answers or sense of closure.  

Makes E Wanna Holler!: The Complication in Being Classy...

Is there a such thing as being too "fancy"?  I ask because lately it seems that being a woman with goals, drive, looks and appeal is a little too much for the world.  Lately, I've been noticing that the less put together women seem to get it all.  Meanwhile the women who go out and get it for themselves are usually left with their possessions to keep them warm.  So, yesterday my little sister and I were out in NYC scouting name-brand handbags.  While in the Chanel store, I spotted a bag that was made for me.  I slipped it on my shoulder and marveled at the comfort and style.  I HAD TO HAVE IT!  Then I heard a lady behind me say..."If you get that bag, what is a man going to get you?"

Lesson #3: Real Women Don't Chase Men

 

When I was in high school, I never took any relationship seriously.  Nobody was worth my time and what one person wouldn’t do, another would.  I kept that mentality until I came across someone who I couldn’t quite catch, mold or train.  Trading in my heels for some Nikes, I commenced to chase this guy.  BIG MISTAKE!  Of all the lessons I have learned in my lifetime, this was one of the biggest.  Real women don’t chase men.  In fact, real woman don’t walk briskly to catch a man!  They know their worth and allow themselves to be found.  It takes a strong and confident woman to know what she brings to the table and exactly what type of man will appreciate these offerings.  Since it took me a minute to learn this, I make sure all the young women in my life understand that no man is worth the chase.

Lesson # 2: Discovering & Developing A Passion

I spoke to the different women in my life about the lessons young girls should be taught and the feedback was overwhelming.  However, the consensus was clear on one thing: "education and self-sufficiency".  When I think back to grade school, my favorite memory was career day.  This opportunity to see beautiful, put together women with a passion for what they did was inspirational and awe-inspiring.  It challenged me to set my goals high and reach for them without reservations or fear.  Our girls need to know that they can be anything, pursue anything and take care of themselves.  Finding a passion, developing it and discovering self-sufficiency is such a powerful tool to instill in young girls for many reasons.   For one, they are the future mothers and leaders of tomorrow.  Secondly, depending on someone else to take care of them for the rest of their lives is unrealistic.  Last, BECAUSE THEY CAN!!! 

Lesson #1: Embracing Our Own Unique Beauty

Let's teach girls to love
what looks back at them!

 Can you imagine how young girls feel when they look at themselves in a mirror and discover that the world's image of beauty is far from their reflection?  What they must think when they watch television shows that promote women getting plastic surgery to "tweak" a "minor" problem.  How they internalize a man disregarding them for someone they believe is more attractive.  I wanted to start the week off with addressing why it's so important to instill in our young girls of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and cultural backgrounds that true beauty and self-love are not based on the media, stereotypical messages or men.  We need to uplift our girls and encourage them to embrace THEIR own unique brand of beautiful; nobody else's.  Also the importance of gracefully exhibiting this internal/external beauty without allowing any outside factors to steal its shine!

Tips to STOP Domestic/Dating Violence!

             

   Learn as much as you can about domestic violence.  Separate the myths from the facts.

 Provide unconditional support to a victim without judgment or further abusive behaviors.

Don’t turn your back on, demean, question, or demand things from a victim.  Show your love in positive and caring ways.

 Work with the victim to create a safety plan for when THEY are ready to end their relationship.

  Provide a victim with resources.  The tab above offers various solutions for national, international and age appropriate options.

 NEVER BLAME THE VICTIM.  We can all be on the negative end of abuse and blame causes lower self-esteem, loss of support and hopelessness.  Empowerment, knowledge and love are critical in stopping the spread of domestic violence.

  If you see something, SAY SOMETHING!  Get the police involved and NEVER get physically involved with the abuser.  Often times this increases the violence against the victim.

  Educate others about domestic violence; women, men, teens, children.  Use various means and locations to reach others; churches, community centers, organizations, schools, etc.

Fatal First Loves...Teen Dating Violence...

If you are a teen and feel you are being abused or know someone who is, please get the help you need.  It’s never too late.   Call 1-866-331-9474 | 1-866-331-8453 TTY or visit http://www.loveisrespect.org/ .

The infamous Chris Brown and Rihanna incident may have put it on the map for many, but teen dating violence is not new.  Teens deal with the same types of abuse as adults.  Add the social networking aspects and they experience even more.  It’s unfortunate that many people dismiss or refuse to acknowledge a problem that is as serious as domestic violence. 

“A comparison of Intimate Partner Violence rates between teens and adults reveals that teens are at higher risk of intimate partner abuse.”¹



Battered Men: The Silence, the Stigma, the Suffering...

"Domestic violence is not a gender issue, it is a human issue"

~Anonymous

A man who is being abused by a women or another man is often called:"Browbeat", "Whipped", "Punk", "Pussy", "Chump", "Weak", "Bitch"  Call it what you want; I call it "ABUSED".  Before you read any further, I want you to open your mind to this post.  According to the US Justice Department and the Centers for Prevention & Disease Control, over 1/3 of all batterers involved in domestic violence were wives or girlfriends.  Abuse against men is very real and if you don't believe that it can happen, click the link to watch a short video about a man who endured 25 years of abuse from his wife:

 Jerry Miranda Story

When I decided to write about this topic tonight, I knew there would be people who couldn't understand how a man could be a victim.  In presentations I explain it like this...

Why Do They Stay? Understanding the Mind Of The Victim...

In researching tonight’s topic, I watched quite a few YouTube videos on why women stay in abusive relationships.  I have many issues with this because #1, women are NOT the only victims of domestic violence.  (Tomorrow will be dedicated to the battered men!)  Second, it is never the fault of the victim that they are being abused.  Back to the videos I perused, from the experts to the common contributors, people tend to blame the victim for staying.  “You dumb as hell for staying with a dude who beats you.”  “The woman doesn’t know what is happening and therefore stays around.”  “If you loved yourself enough, you would leave.”  “Ain’t nothing stopping you but yourself.”  All I hear is:

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, WOMP, WOMP, WOMP!

What You Don't Know Can Kill You! The Warning Signs of DV...

Know the red flags!

We learned yesterday that abuse is a pattern.  It is a meticulously built tool to maintain control over a partner.  Before abuse becomes physical, there are usually a number of warning signs that happen in any relationship that are clear indicators that a person has abusive tendencies.  It is important to know that abuse can happen in ANY relationship…friendships, work relationships, intimate partner relationships etc.  The following warning signs can be executed by men OR women and set the basis for further abuse. 

WARNING SIGNS OF DOMESTIC/DATING/RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE:

So What Is Domestic Violence?

When it comes to epidemics, people usually tend to associate with the most extreme cases as explanations.  Domestic violence is no different.  How many times have we seen a movie where a small, timid woman is physically beaten by a stronger and testosterone crazed man?  How often have we been led to believe that the woman is stupid, weak or crazy for staying with an abuser?  Have you ever blamed a victim of abuse for not fighting back or walking away?  For me the numbers are too often.  Neither abusers nor victims have a face or type.  Both men and women can be perpetrators of violence against their partner.  Domestic violence is about CONTROL, not sheer force or strength.  So tonight I want to give you the real meaning of DV and for the rest of the week continue to delve into what abuse really looks like. 

*Extra Post!* The One That Got Away...

Your girl is back with a vengeance and a topic we can all relate to! I've always said, “It’s hard to get treasure back when you throw it out with the trash.” Then I came across Monica’s song, “So Gone” and let this section slip in my spirit…

“It’s funny how the tables turn / Now it’s you running after me / Didn’t want to spend quality time / Didn’t think I would ever leave / You got way to comfortable / Now you say you want me in your life”…

…In some cases it’s a little too late for comebacks. After throwing away perfectly great people for reasons unknown, how can we return and expect them to forget AND forgive? Do we really think that highly of ourselves? We expect more than we give at times because we don’t realize how special some people are. Kindergarten lessons still relate to adulthood and we must treat people the way we want to be treated.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...





To say I miss him is an understatement.  I long for him.  I crave his voice and advice.  I still need him.  There are two slow moving tears travelling down my face as I write this.  Every now and then a feeling comes over me so strongly that I can’t release it except for crying.  Right now this is exactly how I feel.  His picture is on my nightstand and when I look at him I can’t help but think of how much I wanted to say.  How bad I wanted to mend our relationship and start fresh.  Of all the things I have experienced in my life, the loss of my father is a pain I endure every single day.  It is still the most surreal feeling to know that someone you loved with all your heart is never coming back.  I can feel his presence all around me whenever I come home late at night.  He sends me warnings and confirmations everytime something or someone doesn't have my best interest.  My tears seem to miraculously dry up just when they are beginning to consume me.  I know he is safe in Heaven every time I hear Marvin Gaye or the Isley Brothers when I turn to a radio station and hear their songs.  You just never know the connection you have with someone until you no longer have them.