Being A Dad Does Not Make You A Father

 Planting the seed is only
the first step.

Congrats are in order for my ex and his girl who had a beautiful baby girl today!  I remember when I was told that he was expecting a baby and all I could think was..."Thank GOD it's not with me!"  However, I love the kids and despite how I feel about having children when you aren't ready, babies are still blessings.  If there is one thing I KNOW his little girl will have, it's a lot of love.  There is another side to this story though.  The side that covers why having the ability to knock someone up is not all it takes to be a father.

This past weekend, I was returning home from an exhilirating workout when who pulls up next to my car?!  The ex mentioned above!  Now mind you I haven't seen or heard anything from him since January.  I had to lay into him for not offering his condolences six months ago when my father passed.  After that business was handled, I asked about the baby.  These were my exact words...

"So, was it your plan to get her pregnant or was it an accident?"  I placed a hand on my hip, turned up my lip and got ready for the lie.

He says (while looking everywhere but at my eyes)..."Well yeah, I knew.  I laid it down and planted the seed, cultivated it and there you have it."

Even writing this makes me SMH!  I can't say that he didn't want to have a child, but I know if he could change anything it probably wouldn't be so soon.  I wonder how many other men feel this way.  That "laying it down" is a good enough reason to justify having a child.  I have many friends who are mothers without a father figure for their children.  I bet the men that were responsible for "planting the seed" felt the same way as my ex until reality set in that producing life is not a game.  It's also WAY more than the pregnancy and the first three years.  Being a father means being there, it means raising your child and teaching them the ways of the world, it means putting your needs last.  There aren't many people that can accept this responsibility without some form of resentment.  This same resentment is what results in a sickening and continuous cycle of younger parents and children that have to raise themselves.

I may be a little old-fashioned, but I want to put the horse in front of the cart and have an established family before having children.  Not that this route is a guarantee, but being a single mom is no walk in the park.  A child needs a village and at the head of this village should be the father.  Backing up to conception, I think people forget that although sex can be enjoyable, it's our form of mating.  Last time I checked, we weren't turtles who bury their eggs in the sand and let nature do the rest.  For a man to impregnate a woman, he needs to be held responsible for the choice he made to lay down with her.  Then he needs to live up to his role, put the childish games away, and make a lifelong commitment to HIS child. 

When it comes to my ex, I know he has a lot of growing up to do and maybe the presence of his daughter will help in that area.  I just wish that some men will grow up BEFORE they decide to sow their oats and leave a seed for the babies mother and her family to cultivate.  And with that said, I am done!