Living Breathing Pincushions: Self Respect and Sex

Allowing yourself to be pierced
by the world can lead to lasting
damage.

When I was in college, I devised a theory I like to call the “Pincushion Theory”.  I used to sew and I noticed that before a pincushion is used, it has certain solidity to it.  When you introduce a needle, it is never the same.  The needle that punctures it goes unscathed and unharmed, but after some time if you stick a pincushion enough it begins to wear down.  Covered in holes, it loses its solidity.  These permanent holes leave a lasting mark that can never be repaired.  You can cover a pincushion with another piece of fabric, but underneath it will still suffer the damage of the initial uses.  It will also be full of voids that can only be filled by another needle.  A lot of women are living, breathing, worn down pincushions.  They have allowed the needles of the world access to their bodies, minds and spirits.   Thandie Newton’s character is the epitome of a pincushion.  Lost in the thrill and emptiness of sex with strangers, she had convinced herself that her infatuation with sex was an empowerment tactic.  She was invincible under this belief.  There is one problem with that though…A pincushion can not hurt a needle.  A needle can leave a lasting impression on a pincushion.

Makes E Wanna Holler!: The Complication in Being Classy...

Is there a such thing as being too "fancy"?  I ask because lately it seems that being a woman with goals, drive, looks and appeal is a little too much for the world.  Lately, I've been noticing that the less put together women seem to get it all.  Meanwhile the women who go out and get it for themselves are usually left with their possessions to keep them warm.  So, yesterday my little sister and I were out in NYC scouting name-brand handbags.  While in the Chanel store, I spotted a bag that was made for me.  I slipped it on my shoulder and marveled at the comfort and style.  I HAD TO HAVE IT!  Then I heard a lady behind me say..."If you get that bag, what is a man going to get you?"

Lesson #1: Embracing Our Own Unique Beauty

Let's teach girls to love
what looks back at them!

 Can you imagine how young girls feel when they look at themselves in a mirror and discover that the world's image of beauty is far from their reflection?  What they must think when they watch television shows that promote women getting plastic surgery to "tweak" a "minor" problem.  How they internalize a man disregarding them for someone they believe is more attractive.  I wanted to start the week off with addressing why it's so important to instill in our young girls of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and cultural backgrounds that true beauty and self-love are not based on the media, stereotypical messages or men.  We need to uplift our girls and encourage them to embrace THEIR own unique brand of beautiful; nobody else's.  Also the importance of gracefully exhibiting this internal/external beauty without allowing any outside factors to steal its shine!

Tips to STOP Domestic/Dating Violence!

             

   Learn as much as you can about domestic violence.  Separate the myths from the facts.

 Provide unconditional support to a victim without judgment or further abusive behaviors.

Don’t turn your back on, demean, question, or demand things from a victim.  Show your love in positive and caring ways.

 Work with the victim to create a safety plan for when THEY are ready to end their relationship.

  Provide a victim with resources.  The tab above offers various solutions for national, international and age appropriate options.

 NEVER BLAME THE VICTIM.  We can all be on the negative end of abuse and blame causes lower self-esteem, loss of support and hopelessness.  Empowerment, knowledge and love are critical in stopping the spread of domestic violence.

  If you see something, SAY SOMETHING!  Get the police involved and NEVER get physically involved with the abuser.  Often times this increases the violence against the victim.

  Educate others about domestic violence; women, men, teens, children.  Use various means and locations to reach others; churches, community centers, organizations, schools, etc.

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...





To say I miss him is an understatement.  I long for him.  I crave his voice and advice.  I still need him.  There are two slow moving tears travelling down my face as I write this.  Every now and then a feeling comes over me so strongly that I can’t release it except for crying.  Right now this is exactly how I feel.  His picture is on my nightstand and when I look at him I can’t help but think of how much I wanted to say.  How bad I wanted to mend our relationship and start fresh.  Of all the things I have experienced in my life, the loss of my father is a pain I endure every single day.  It is still the most surreal feeling to know that someone you loved with all your heart is never coming back.  I can feel his presence all around me whenever I come home late at night.  He sends me warnings and confirmations everytime something or someone doesn't have my best interest.  My tears seem to miraculously dry up just when they are beginning to consume me.  I know he is safe in Heaven every time I hear Marvin Gaye or the Isley Brothers when I turn to a radio station and hear their songs.  You just never know the connection you have with someone until you no longer have them.
 

When Silence Turns Rusty!! Avoid Corroding Your Relationship!

“I heard a story about a husband and wife who were feuding and giving each other the silent treatment. One night he realized he needed her to wake him up at an early hour to catch a flight. Not wanting to humble himself and be the first to break the silence, he left her a note to wake him at 5 A.M. The next morning he awakened to find out that he had overslept by a couple of hours and had missed his flight. As he leapt out of bed to go and angrily confront her, he noticed a piece of paper on his nightstand. The note read, “It is 5 A.M. Wake up!”

(Story on "Silence" courtesy of "30 Days to Taming Your Tongue", by Deborah Smith Pegues)

Silence is not always
golden!

We have all been told that silence is golden. When you think about it though, nobody ever set the parameters to this common rule. Is silence the answer when your relationship lies in the balance? The story above is a classic example of where passive aggressive behavior and failing to communicate can get you…Absolutely Nowhere! According to the same book I got the above story from, the quote “silence is golden” is not a complete statement. The original statement was “Speech is silver, silence is golden.” What I derived from this is we need to learn the value of silence and the significance of effective speech. You can’t expect a relationship to work when communication is lacking or nonexistent. These are a few of the issues you can encounter when you let silence take front seat in your relationships.

The Game Has To End Sometime!

Ebonism #27: There is nothing wrong with playing the field, but once you find your MVP it’s time to leave the stadium.

Don't keep playing until
you reach this point!
Know when to take
a different road
and stay on it!

With football season here, I simply can’t get enough of the athletic innuendos! When I came up with this phrase, I was thinking about how greedy and self-centered we have become as a society. Monogamy is one of those words that make people cringe nowadays. With all of the options that are available to us, it seems like making one person our focus is preposterous. I mean who wants to have real and genuine love anyway?! Why have someone that you can share you hopes, dreams and fears with? Why give yourself to only one person when there are so many nameless faces, unseen personalities and questionable prospects?! Sadly, the idea of being a skilled friend, lover and confidant is a long lost art for many. I can’t begin to tell you how many people I know who believe that marriage is a trial run with a 50/50 chance of lasting or self-destructing. The long haul is such a terrifying prospect because with so many roads in front of us, why stop at just one! As a single woman, I have stumbled down a few roads that led to absolutely nowhere. When I did reach a road or two that seemed endless, the thought of travelling them made me turn back. That was then though and now I’m here to explain why building a relationship is worth way more than taking a lot of fruitless chances on strangers. Also why it’s so important to stop playing once you find the right teammate. :-)

Don't React Later; Be Proactive Now!

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”

~ Stephen R. Covey

Putting a band-aid on this
won't fix it!  Think before you
break someones heart.

Have you ever done/said something to a loved one that hurt them deeply? Did you regret your harshness or negative attitude toward them? Were you unable to restore the relationship to its original state? I’m sure that the answer is YES to each of these questions. So my last and final question is…WHY?! As people who can’t even define what love is, we are sometimes guilty of being reactive instead of being proactive. This type of behavior results in tattered relationships, horrid memories, and wasted apologies. Apologizing in many cases can be like putting a band-aide on a bullet wound. It may create a barrier, but the pain and destruction goes much deeper than the surface. The problem will also continue to ooze out in the future. It's better to consider what you say and do to the people you love BEFORE you do it because we never know how it may affect them. Like the quote says, our actions are a choice while the consequences of those actions are not. Here are a few tips to make the necessary transition from being a reactive person to a proactive one.

It's More Than The Thought That Counts!

You know it's bad
when you have to ask!

“It’s the thought that counts” is one of those phrases that just makes my blood boil! It’s an excellent example of the type of cliché mess that lets people off the hook for their lackluster attitude towards life. I recently received a “gift” that I honestly didn’t believe was for me. No Kanye, but everybody knows I’m a diva! My tastes are easy to pick up because they are what make me stand out. Needless to say, I was given a shot glass from someone who KNOWS I don’t drink like that. Of course I graciously accepted the gift and my face must have given it away that I wasn’t too crazy about it. So the dreaded phrase reared its ugly head, “It’s the thought that counts”. On the inside I was thinking, “Wow, you really didn’t think about me at all!” Not to come off as ungrateful, but when it comes to our intimate relationships with others, whether a friend or more, we should think about what really counts.

When Good Just Isn't Good Enough

Will the curtain close on our
friendship?

I'm a fan of a good play.  Watching a story unfold on stage and never quite knowing what is going to happen.  Relating to a charater based on the situation they are connected with.  Wondering what's going on behind the scenes when the curtain falls.  Anticipating what will happen when they go back up.  Good times!  My life has always been a stage.  Various colorful characters, vivid and captivating scenes, drenched with drama, and a surprise around every corner.  Many scenes in my life have ended without my knowledge and I was left standing solo on stage.  There is this one particular scene though that is in constant transition.  One that has soothed me when I was worried.  One that has confused me beyond belief.  One that has hurt me more than any other.  I'm left to wonder how this situation will play out. 

Carrying on with the "Lies, Secrets, and Betrayal" week, I found it only appropriate to talk about a friend/love-ship that I have with someone.  We have had our share of arguments, betrayal, lies, and secrets.  Every time we have worked it out and bounced back stronger, but I'm getting to a point where I don't think I can do it anymore.  I've recently dealt with and tolerated the latest betrayal, almost foolishly.  Now I'm faced with deciding if this entire relationship is worth holding on to.  As much as I love them, they have put me in a box that is confining and borderline demeaning considering the type of woman I am.  It leads me to think of a saying my mom instilled in me...

"Baby, sometimes good just ISN'T good enough."

So when you don't know what to do, what do you do?  It's always harder when you love someone unconditionally.  You find yourself sticking around despite the qualms in your past.  I honestly don't remember every fight, but the residual effects from each have built up and created a block.  This same block is creating an invisible rift between us that I fight to conquer every day.  I don't know about you, but I'm tired of always being the bigger person.  The one to make the difficult phone calls, initiate the uncomfortable conversations, and ultimately decide the fate of a relationship on your own.  I've known this person for many years and with all the changes we have went through, I know they have done their part in fixing what they destroyed.  Our relationship is like a bridge that keeps sparking up at the corners, but never quite burns down.  Eventually, I'm worried that the fire is going to catch and we will be separated for more than a few weeks or months.  We will be over and our friendship will disintegrate into oblivion.

I don't want to leave, but
a part of me needs to know
the nearest exit just in case!

For right now, I'm taking my time to weigh my options.  As much as we have done for each other, I know there is something missing.  For once, we may not be able to talk this one out.  My love will always be there, but like I said in a previous post, "You can love someone, but that has nothing to do with whether they are in your life."  Since my life is a stage and this scene is kicking my butt, I'm really considering gracefully exiting stage left.  It may be a rash decision, but after all this stress, a girl could really use an intermission!  Ta-ta for now and hopefully I will get my life together my loves! 

The Fire Stopped Burning...Can It Be Sparked Again?

If you've ever been to the MLK Jr. center in Atlanta, you probably came across the eternal flame. Regardless of the elements and time itself, it's always burning.  It's a beautiful example that some flames can never be put out.  That brings me to a flame that once burned in my life.  One I thought would never die.  However, life pulled us apart and the flame was left stomped out.  My first love was that flame and now I'm left to question, "Can our fire be sparked again?"

First loves are so magical and pristine.  There is something about discovering love when you are young.  Your inhibitions don't exist and neither do the pride and tainted qualities that make us so diluted as adults.  All month long, I have been pondering our relationship and how beautiful and fresh it used to be.  I couldn't have these thoughts without acknowledging how shady he was and how it left me confused and heart-broken.  I'm left wondering where we went wrong and if it could ever be made right.

Will the spark return?
Only time will tell?

I don't want to get it confused because I'm not sure if I want to be in a serious relationship right now.  However, I don't wanna miss my blessing for avoiding it's presence.  It doesn't help that WE are embarking on a trip soon which will either spark that flame again or confirm that it was better left stomped out.  I guess what I'm saying is, I've been hurt before and I know how that affected my views.  I want to be fair because no matter how much time has passed, there WAS undoubtedly something between us at one point. 

Time will only tell what will be, but when it comes to my relationships, nothing is ever what it seems.  For now I'm gonna go with the flow and if the flame sparks, so be it.  If not, I will always have a great friend and lots of tender and lasting memories.  Honestly, what more can you ask for?

RIP Daddy

Daddy and Me; Christmas '88

FEBRUARY 19, 2010

I will never forget that day for as long as I live.  This was the day that I lost my father and gained a new sense of appreciation for my life and relationships.  I miss him so much.  I haven't cried in a few weeks, but writing this brings forth a fresh set of tears.  I still can't listen to Marvin Gaye or the Isley Brothers without remembering his husky voice, his strong silent personality, and his bold laugh that always caught you off guard!  I remember the day so vividly that I heard of his passing.  Honestly, I knew something was wrong about that day from the minute I woke up:

So I'm in the shower listening to the morning show and singing, "Daddy's Home" right along with Usher.  Suddenly I was alarmed by the sound of keys jingling right outside the bathroom door.  It wouldn't have been a problem, except for the fact that I'm alone in the house that time of the morning.  Frozen in a state of uncomfortable confusion, I quickly left the shower, grabbed a screwdriver and perused the house. 

Nobody was there, or so I thought.

Ending up in the kitchen, I noticed a strange glow that illuminated the dimly lit kitchen.  I asked God to protect me and ease my growing fear.  Something made me lay down and the minute I closed my eyes, I heard the keys jingling again.  Jumping up, I continued to get dressed for work and rushed to the front door once I was done.  I had to get out of that house.  Something was there regardless of whether the naked eye could identify it.  I ran to the front door, swung it open and BAM...

This strange older lady was standing there and she scared the hell out of me!  I grabbed my chest and released the breath I didn't know I was holding.  She was going to the 2nd floor, but she said something that I considered very weird...

"You are gonna be fine baby.  Everything is gonna be just fine."

I brushed past her and received a call minutes later with the news that my father was gone.

There is no person on the face of this earth that can tell me my father wasn't in the house with me that morning.  God is real and His presence through others is such a powerful thing.  He also worked through that woman who shared her comforting message with me.  I thank Him everyday for allowing my father to come to me that morning and let me know his soul is at rest.

All of my friends tell me how strong I was through everything.  I know that strength came from knowing that regardless of the life my father may have lived on this earth, he is protected in the palm of God's hands now.  Just like the lady said, everything is just fine.  It still hurts sometimes, but then I think about the relationship we had.  I loved him so much.  He taught me he taught me how to be confident, how to drive, how to live for yourself and never care about the outcome, he taught me how to love. He taught me that life is worth living.

I didn't get a chance to mentally prepare for his death.  Everything happened in the span of a week and a half.  I have learned that time is not promised and anything worth saying is worth saying that day.  Don't wait.  You may never get the chance to have their reaction, their opinion, their presence, their love.

Thanks Daddy for all you have given me and I promise to make you proud by living an exemplary life.