It's So Hard To Say Goodbye...





To say I miss him is an understatement.  I long for him.  I crave his voice and advice.  I still need him.  There are two slow moving tears travelling down my face as I write this.  Every now and then a feeling comes over me so strongly that I can’t release it except for crying.  Right now this is exactly how I feel.  His picture is on my nightstand and when I look at him I can’t help but think of how much I wanted to say.  How bad I wanted to mend our relationship and start fresh.  Of all the things I have experienced in my life, the loss of my father is a pain I endure every single day.  It is still the most surreal feeling to know that someone you loved with all your heart is never coming back.  I can feel his presence all around me whenever I come home late at night.  He sends me warnings and confirmations everytime something or someone doesn't have my best interest.  My tears seem to miraculously dry up just when they are beginning to consume me.  I know he is safe in Heaven every time I hear Marvin Gaye or the Isley Brothers when I turn to a radio station and hear their songs.  You just never know the connection you have with someone until you no longer have them.
 

It’s too late to change the way you treated or felt about someone when they are gone.  If I had another chance, I would have taken the time to see my father for who he really was and not the problems he faced.  I would have told him I loved and appreciated him.  I would have said how I really felt instead of allowing pride and the mistakes of the past to prevent us from acknowledging the elephant in the room.  Despite how I feel about being the bigger person, I would have done that too if it meant not having to deal with regret.  Regret does get exhausting.  Lord knows how much I cared, but having spent years not expressing the love I had in my heart it seems to hurt even more.  My single relief is that I know my thoughts go directly to him.  It’s unfortunate that I will never know his response to my questions, but I’m thankful to God that I know he is safe and far away from the pressures of this world.  Such a bittersweet position I am in.

It’s so hard to say goodbye because I never saw it coming.  Or I should say I didn’t want to see it coming.  When I heard that he had a stroke, something in my heart said it would be downhill from there.  I tried to make it home because I wanted to see him and be able to speak with him face to face.  Everything got in the way of me making it to GA.  The next Friday I received the news that he was gone.  Despite being able to pick out his suit, write his obituary, view his body and console my mother, I couldn’t bear to watch him go into the ground and out of my life.  I came back to NY and everything about me changed.  My heart isn’t the same.  If anything it’s more open and loving. My spirit is stronger at the expense of being broken and put back together.  My confidence has elevated.  My strength has gained new spark.  I know I got all of this from him.  I will always miss and need him, but writing about it helps.  It helps me reconnect with the ideology that death of the body does not mean death of the spirit.   He is with me always, but that will never change how hard it is to say goodbye.

I love you daddy.  Rest in Peace.