So What Is Domestic Violence?

When it comes to epidemics, people usually tend to associate with the most extreme cases as explanations.  Domestic violence is no different.  How many times have we seen a movie where a small, timid woman is physically beaten by a stronger and testosterone crazed man?  How often have we been led to believe that the woman is stupid, weak or crazy for staying with an abuser?  Have you ever blamed a victim of abuse for not fighting back or walking away?  For me the numbers are too often.  Neither abusers nor victims have a face or type.  Both men and women can be perpetrators of violence against their partner.  Domestic violence is about CONTROL, not sheer force or strength.  So tonight I want to give you the real meaning of DV and for the rest of the week continue to delve into what abuse really looks like. 

For the past eight years, I have been an advocate for DV victims.  Working as a hotline/shelter worker, batterer’s intervention group facilitator, community educator for youth affected by violence and a dv counselor, I have seen many different facets of what DV is made of.  It’s important to start with the accurate definition of domestic violence.  I have taken the liberty of highlighting the keywords: 

“Domestic Violence is a pattern of physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse, which includes, but is not limited to, threats, intimidation, isolation, and/or financial control.   Domestic Violence is an intentional pattern of behavior that is used by one person as a means to harm and take power and control over another person in the context of a dating, family, roommate or caretaker relationship.”

*Definition provided by http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/dv.html*

The major players in this definition include: PATTERN, POWER & CONTROL.

When I speak to groups I often ask them:

“Say you went on a great and memorable first date with someone.  You thoroughly enjoyed their company and looked forward to getting to know more about them.  At the very end of the date, how would you respond if they slapped you?”

Of course I get a lot of gasps, shocked faces, rebuttals and even a laugh or two.  However, I use this story to explain that abuse is built.  Emotional and verbal abuse usually starts the pattern which has the potential to build to physical/sexual violence over time.  An abuser understands that trust must be constructed before the real control can begin.  They use a pattern of behaviors to gain power and eventually take control over their victim’s life.  In order to gain the control needed to make a real impression on their partner, an abuser will use a variety of forms to isolate, intimidate and dominate a person’s life.  The wheel below goes into the tactics that abusers use to keep their victims tight within their grasp:

 This chart is often used in describing domestic violence against women.  Women account for 85% of the victims of domestic violence, which means the other 15% are men. It is important to know that women also use privilege against men in abusive relationships where the woman is the abuser.  At the center of the wheel is power and control.  The various portions are combined or used individually by abusers throughout the relationship.  At the outside is the physical violence that we are so often glamorized by.  As you can see, there is a LOT more to abuse than most people think.  Stick around to learn more about this damaging problem within some relationships.  Tomorrow I will talk about the cycle of abuse as well as the signs of an unhealthy relationship.    

Throughout the week, if you see any signs or believe you are being abused please call the hotline number above.  It’s never too late to get help and you deserve a healthy and safe relationship.  Love you all!