Why Do They Stay? Understanding the Mind Of The Victim...

In researching tonight’s topic, I watched quite a few YouTube videos on why women stay in abusive relationships.  I have many issues with this because #1, women are NOT the only victims of domestic violence.  (Tomorrow will be dedicated to the battered men!)  Second, it is never the fault of the victim that they are being abused.  Back to the videos I perused, from the experts to the common contributors, people tend to blame the victim for staying.  “You dumb as hell for staying with a dude who beats you.”  “The woman doesn’t know what is happening and therefore stays around.”  “If you loved yourself enough, you would leave.”  “Ain’t nothing stopping you but yourself.”  All I hear is:

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, WOMP, WOMP, WOMP!

I’m sure many of these people don’t know that most victims leave and come back an average of seven times before they leave for good.  Abuse is NO walk in the park!  Besides, it’s always easier to tell someone what they should do when you haven’t been there yourself.  Some victims are preyed upon by their perpetrator because they have low self-esteem from the start, but that is not always the case.  If you have a brain you are capable of being manipulated and with the right coercion, you can also take on the role of a victim.  Remember that abuse is a pattern that is enacted over time.  The cycle of abuse shows just how an abuser can intermingle different phases to keep a victim in a constant state of confusion and guilt.  These same emotions play a large role in when a person will decide to leave.

So think of it like this…

Abusive relationships are not ALWAYS abusive.  When the abuse does start, there are many reason why a person may stay:

FEAR: Do I really have to elaborate?!  Whether a man or woman, there is a lot of fear instilled in a victim.  The perpetrator doesn’t have to be large or intimidating; the mind games are enough to create genuine fear.  Remember an abuser takes the time to learn their partners weaknesses.  When the time is right they prey on them.  This can include threats, intimidation or violence.

GUILT:  Referring back to the insecurity that an abuser exhibits, a victim may feel that they are all the abuser has.  If they can “act right” or “not make them mad”, then the manipulation has worked and they will continue to support them until the honeymoon phase returns.

DENIAL:  This one serves both men and women.  If you pretend that a problem isn’t as bad as it really is, then it may go away.  People also tend to blame other factors for their partners abusive behaviors : mental issues, stress, family history, etc.

LOVE:  As unbelievable as it may seem, victims love their partner.  Some people are attached to the abusive behaviors but more often than not, a person longs for the individual that they fell in love with.  Abusers often use love as a tool to control as well.  Hence the honeymoon phase that may follow an outburst. 

RELIGION:  The institution of marriage is taken seriously by many cultures and religions.  Divorce or the breaking up of a family can result in being shunned from the church or the entire family.

NO WHERE TO GO:  With the negative attitude of most people toward victims combined with the isolation aspect, many victims feel they have nowhere to turn.  They often stay because the prospect of life alone or being stalked and terrorized by the abuser is too much to handle. 

I hope that this shed some light on WHY people stay, but that really shouldn’t be the question.  Why do abusers batter?  Now that is the better question!  Abusers should be held accountable for what they do.  So if you know someone that is being abused, support them; don’t subject them to your judgment.  They are dealing with enough without more people going against them.  In order for a person to walk away, they need to feel supported, loved and appreciated by the other people in their lives.  Don’t become a co-abuser; instead remain available and objective for the people you love!