I Think I Love My Spouse!

“Marriage is a lottery, but you can’t tear up your ticket if you lose.”

~Unknown

Says who?!  With many of the married couples I know, there seems to be a lot of contemplation about and/or tearing up of their ticket!  What used to be a one-way street into a lifetime of happiness, struggles and unity is now a super highway with the option to exit at every half mile!  How many couples do you know that entered marriage thinking, “We are going to give it a try and see what happens.  If it doesn’t work, we will just break it off.”?  This type of thinking used to be reserved for the daters, but now many are preparing for the absolute worst in a situation that SHOULD bring out your best.  If you are looking for all your exits before you even merge lives, is marriage really the option?  Then there are those who stay and still want to play!  Hay dios mio!  Does marriage mean anything anymore?! 

Lowered Expectations! Are You An Open Enrollment Chick?!

Welcome to “Lowered Expectations”!  Are you a woman with low to no standards?  Are you tired of not finding your "list" man and ready to accept whatever you can get?!  If this is you, you have come to the right place!  Browse our growing inventory stocked full of men who are often overlooked, hardly dated and underrated!  If you ever found yourself saying the following statements in your head—or even out loud—women we have the man for you!

• “You live with your parents?  No problem! I like basements and we can save money!”  ●
• “Oh you’re not working?  That’s cool, I just got a raise!”  ●
• “Are those man boobs?  I think I have an extra bra!”  ●
• “Missing a tooth?  We can use a Chiclet!”  ●
• “Boatload of kids?  I always wanted to be an Auntie!”  ●
• “Come up to my shoulder?  I probably need to stop wearing heels anyway!”  ●

Sound like you, then come on down so we can hook you up!  Remember our motto…

“Keep those standards low!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so maybe my little rendition of a ‘low standards’ dating service is a little dramatic J but there seem to be some new laws on the books that say women need to ease up with the standards.  In the past, I wrote a post about women with mile long lists of qualities they want in a man ( Are You Planning Your Love Away?!).  A recent online Essence article (Link To Article) got me thinking about the other end of the spectrum-- the women out there who are settling for men with qualities that can fit on a Post-It!  Now you know I couldn’t let this go!   

I Want You...But I Want You To Want Me Too!

“…I give you all the love
I want in return, sweet darlin'
But half a love is all I feel
It's too bad, it's too sad
You don't want me now
But I'm gonna change your mind
Someway, somehow, oh baby…”

~Marvin Gaye (“I Want You”)

If it's no, then keep it moving!

Be real with yourself, how often have you felt this way?!  Sometimes our obsession with wanting those who do not want us can leave us all messed up!  If you have ever been there, you have probably wasted too much time on wishful thinking, started to second-guess your qualities, forgot the importance of those who do care and the worst…possibly missed a mutually satisfying relationship with someone who WANTED to be there.  So sad these situations!  There is absolutely nothing cute about chasing someone who is clearly trying to get away from you!  Your prey is desperately running away while you are too preoccupied to notice who is chasing you!  Crazy stuff, but it does lead me to my point.  Your convincing may work and it may not, but you will suffer in the end.  Even though the pursuit of what we seemingly cannot have may be enticing, we deserve a relationship with someone who will reciprocate the same love we give to them.

Take A Different Road

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about the patterns I see in my life.  Often I find myself making the same mistakes and feeling out of sorts for the parallel results of these choices.  While I was doing my spring cleaning, I found a poem that a client/domestic violence survivor of mine gave me years ago.  As I unravelled this crumpled piece of paper, I realized it was exactly what I needed at the exact time in which I needed it.  It helped me remember that I am strong enough and wise enough to break any adverse pattern.  I am the only one who can take a different path.  Wanna know something else?  So are you!  Hope you enjoy...

Once upon a time, on a Monday, a man was walking down a road.  All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he found himself at the bottom of a big, dark place.  It was scary!  After several hours, he figured out that he had fallen into a very large pothole.  He wasn’t able to get out on his own–actually it required a lot of help to get out, but eventually he did get out.  It was awful.

The very next day–Tuesday, the man was walking down the road and fell into the pothole again.  This time he immediately recognized where he was, but he still couldn’t get out.  He needed help again.

Wednesday, when the man fell in the pothole for the 3rd time, he remembered how to get out, and–with much hard work–was able to get out on his own.  Whew!

On Thursday, the man was walking down the street again.  As he approached the pothole, he remembered his previous falls.  He even saw the pothole when he got close… but unfortunately he fell in anyway.  But he knew the way out pretty well this time, and got out quickly.

On Friday, the man saw the pothole from a good distance away.  He felt so proud of himself for spotting it, and while it took a lot of effort, he did manage to walk around it safely, and didn’t fall in for the first time in a long time!  Hurrah!

On Saturday, the man took a different road.

~Author Unknown

Spring Cleaning: Saying Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish!

Good Afternoon All!  Despite the fact that I revamped the site (hope you like the springy themeJ), I am shaking my head at how long it has been since I graced your presence with a post!  For good reason though because life is truly taking off!  I started my new blog. I MOTIVATES (check it outJ), I’m taking some classes, tackling my business and a slew of other positive and productive endeavors.  God is so good!  However, there is another side to my absence that is not so positiveL, but oh so necessary!  I’m typically a very understanding and forgiving woman, but lately I have chosen to take my mothers’ timely advice.  With spring finally here, it is time to do some inventory and cleaning of our relationships!  My version of this activity involves assessing the value of the people in my life, strengthening those partnerships that deserve to stay and you guessed it…saying good riddance to bad rubbish!

S(Mothered): Single Mothers Raising Boys

Disclosure Statement: This is not a post to blame or critique mothers.  With any rule, there is an exception.  Even within a two-parent home, there are no guarantees for effective parenting.  There are many examples of exceptionally strong and well-rounded men who were raised without their fathers.  As a young woman with a keen eye and discerning spirit, I am speaking of those who were adversely affected by never having a strong, positive male role model.

The old cliché “Like father, like son” has undergone an overhaul in recent generations!  Subtract father; add mother and we have a problem that just doesn’t equal up.  In almost every aspect of life, women have become the modern day super-hero.  Although able to tackle numerous things without breaking a sweat, there is one thing that the wonder women of our time cannot do alone…raise a man.  Approximately 84% of custodial parents are women according to the US Census Bureau*.  Many of these mothers are enduring the daunting task of raising their sons without the father/father figure to assist in the parenting process.  It is not only unfair to the mothers; it is unfair to society as a whole. 

 

People Please...Regroup Before You Rebound!

 

Leave it at the door!

Have you ever mistakenly asked someone “So what happened with your last relationship?”  Many dating experts would say you should NEVER delve into someone else’s past.  I beg to differ.  This question, as touchy as it may be, can reveal a lot about a person.  Aside from the dancing skeletons and eye-popping confessions, this question has brought me something much more sinister…the shocking truth that this person is not over their past.  I will never forget the last time I asked this question while on a date.  BIG MISTAKE!  Before long I knew the girl’s name, saw a picture and even got the run down on the break-up.  Instead of enjoying the date, I ended up being the shoulder to cry on, the therapist and the rebound specialist!  How pathetic!  I’ve spoken in quite a few posts about leaving your past behind.  For some of us, that is impossible.  What if the loneliness and regret is killing you?  How can you move on when your heart is still stuck?  How about NOT moving on!  This would seem like the logical step; however we are sometimes forced to keep it moving when we aren’t ready.  Starting from the cusp of life after a break-up, I devised these suggestions to moving on with grace at a customized pace! 


I've Got Love On My Mind!

Happy Valentine's Day my loves!  I hope that you are enjoying this day of love, passion and dedication to the one's you care for.  If you aren't romantically connected with someone, don't remove yourself from this holiday.  You are surrounded by more love than you think.  You don't need a day to share the love you have in your heart or acknowledge the love people give you all year round.  Instead of the usual Ms. Mocha posts, I want to share two beautiful pieces of work to commemorate this day.  Hope you enjoy!

1) "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ..."  1 Corinthians 13:4–8a

2) “Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

-St. Augustine

Until next time my sweets! 

The Unsexy Side of Role Reversal!

Of course we can...but what will
the man be doing?!



Last week as I was getting my nails pampered, I flipped through a recent issue of Cosmo magazine.  Not impressed by the usual Kama Sutra crap, I stumbled upon an article entitled “Why Men in Love Are Dragging Their Feet.”¹ BINGO!  Right up my alley and blog worthy!  This article left such a bad taste in my mouth about the state of today’s relationships.   As an employment specialist, one of my major tasks is discovering what my client can do.  I interview them to find out what their KSA’s (knowledge, skills and abilities) consist of.  When I’m not at my day job, I also do this to men I date.  We talk and I get to know who they are, what they know, what they can do and what they can’t.  Based on this article, the modern man can’t do much at all!  You should have seen the look of shock and awe on my face as I read a woman’s perspective on getting a man to move his feet in any stage of a relationship.  According to a contributing quote from Dr. Allen Berger, author of Love Secrets Revealed,

“Men are going through this weird moment…That traditional take-charge position that they once played in a relationship is becoming obsolete, and they’re trying to figure out their new role.” (112-113)

 There is no doubt that male/female roles are shifting, but come on doc!  We need to stop making excuses for men despite society’s changes.  Men carve out space, energy and time for their interests; whether it is work, sports, technology or even women (shocking I know)!  So with all this said, what exactly is the role of the modern man?  Travel with me through the first four major stages of a relationship and get the articles’ view vs. my own…

The Anti-Resolution Revolution!



Happy New Year Everyone!

With the New Year officially here, the world  is ready to change their ways!  All of a sudden our bodies are too fluffy, our daily habits are suddenly affecting our health, our goals are not being met and we are ready to breathe new life into our half-dead relationships.  Our “resolutions” are usually as fleeting as the countdown itself!  By spring, we are eating everything in sight, falling into old habits, pushing our goals off for another day and losing touch with family and friends.   As the fearless leader of the Anti-Resolution Revolution, I believe we should live in a big-picture world instead of a fleeting moment’s one. So put down that meaningless list and listen to this!

Refer to any resolution list and you will find some sort of lifestyle change.  Those are great, but instead of setting an unrealistic goal try these suggestions instead:

Have A Holiday Heart Year-Round!

Hands down, Christmas is my favorite time of year!  The chestnuts are roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost is nipping at my nose, I am enjoying the sights and sounds of Christmas and spreading cheer wherever I go!  While out in the hustle and bustle that is Christmas Eve, I noticed some things.  People are a little bit nicer, the streets are a little bit brighter, children are happier and celebrations are plentiful.  It is an absolutely beautiful time of the year!  Kind of sad to think that for all the other days, people forget how the joy of the holidays can be spread all throughout the year.

Exactly Why Are We Toasting Scumbags and Jerk-Offs?!

Let's stop toasting nonsense!

Ahh, good old Kanye West!  Leave it to him to turn toasting into something negative!  In his song Runaway, he is crooning about the men who do women wrong and toasting them for it.  I feel that the jerks and scumbags are getting a little too much credit for nothing.  Being a real/good man has lost its appeal lately and it’s driving me insane!   According to many women out there, there are no good men to be found; they are all either taken, gay or not interested.  I don’t agree with that.  There ARE good men out there; however some women need to stop lying to themselves.  Nothing is changing because some women are accepting laziness, rudeness and disrespect.  Until there is some accountability, things will only continue to get worse.   

Where Is The Benefit In Friends With Benefits?!

Prelude: This short and sweet gem is an OLD Facebook note that I found.  I wanted to share it with you guys because I am currently researching my next post and working out the kinks with that one.  Hope you enjoy!

Once again, talking with a good friend and we got on the subject of being friends with benefits. This guy wants to be friends with benefits with her, but he can't seem to get over some of the previous girls in his life.

I started thinking...

Sex Too Soon: Ain't No Telling What We Could Have Been...

When you put the cart before the horse,
you don't get very far!

Our society has gone from anticipating a kiss at the end of a first date to having an escape plan for the morning after!  Even with all the looming consequences, many people are rushing into sexual relationships with strangers without reading the fine print.  This “faster than a speeding bullet” mentality is resulting in one night stands, failed relationships and never-ending searches for the next big thing.  It is also decreasing the levels of respect we have for ourselves and each other and changing the rules of dating and intimacy.  Some couples are successful despite how early they had sex, but let’s not lose sight of the big picture.  What may seem like a minor impulsive choice can result in major permanent damage.  Marriages are failing and couples are breaking up faster than R&B groups nowadays.  STI’s are on the rise.  Children are being born into single family households.  Relationships are burdened with trust, insecurity and jealousy issues.  I believe our impulses have a lot to do with it.   So I pose this question… In this fast and furious world, does slow and steady still win the race?

Do I Need To Whip Out A Friend Contract?!

  

I have always said that I would rather see the knife coming than have to pull it out of my back.    I’ve also said that the people you love and care about can hurt you most.  Some friendship crimes are so heinous that they require immediate attention.  I recently found out that a long-time friend of mine was communicating with my ex-boyfriend.  About what, I don’t particularly know.  For how long, I can’t say.  However the content of their conversation was not my issue.  The principle of them communicating at all was the actual problem.  We have had our problems in the past, but this was the breaking point for me.  Even after years of knowing each other, our unspoken rules suddenly meant nothing.  I addressed both parties because I’m a fair girl J, but my girlfriend got the higher sentence.  Real friends know your boundaries and don’t cross them.  I don’t feel the need to reach out to any of my friends’ past or present men and I expect the same respect.  As with any relationship, the main things I require are consistency, honesty and loyalty.  Without the three, there is enough reasonable doubt to convict and dismiss! 


Contracts are for business;
not for friendship!



Facebook: The Modern Day Background Check…

  

When it is ok to accept?

What is on my mind at the current moment, where I like to vacation, that embarrassing picture from college, how I feel about my favorite television show, where I work, who my closest friends are, my goals for the future, my birthday, my relationship status, my general location in the world and what I like to do with my time.  All of these things should be released over time in a new relationship, but who does that anymore?!  With the acceptance of a “friend” request, the average Joe can have all this information and more from a little site called Facebook.  No detective’s license needed!  I’ve certainly been the willing victim of a Facebook stalker or two.  You add someone and suddenly they become the guru on everything that is you!  They are constantly commenting on your status updates, pictures and posts.  You may hop onto the site to make a quick update and you are suddenly trapped in an unwanted chat conversation!  You could block them, but the damage has already been done!  Plus you may feel the need to explain your choice of deleting them!  Crazy stuff!  Being an old fashioned single girl living in this technological world is a little tricky.  When is it ok to allow someone you just met access to your Facebook page? 

To Give Or Not To Give?...That Is The Question!

"We should give as we would receive, cheerfully, quickly, and without hesitation; for there is no grace in a benefit that sticks to the fingers." 

~Seneca

With Christmas less than a week away, there are a lot of loose ends to tie up!  For many who are dating someone new, this may not include tying a bow on a gift.  I was very tempted to vent on the ignorance known as gift-giveaphobia, but then I put some thought into this topic.  Sometimes it can be tricky to know whether a gift is appropriate in the earlier stages of a relationship.  You don’t want to come across as crazy and get an extravagant and inappropriate gift.  You also don’t want to pull the old brush off/break up conveniently before the big day.  So what do you do?!  Well you know I’m going to tell you!   It doesn’t matter how long you have known someone, there are particular rules for men and women to follow in the spirit of gift giving etiquette.

Should A Woman EVER Propose?

She may be dragging
him now, but
he will be running off
later!

Many women would LOVE for the man of their dreams to propose at the beginning of the week and wed them by the end of it, IF they could have their perfect wedding.  Now, place the glass slipper on the other foot.  Imagine a woman proposing to a man on a Monday, throwing together a ceremony all week long and dragging him down the aisle by Friday!  That’s not even the best part: He doesn’t accept or deny the proposal when it is asked.  He gets less than a week to think about it, then answers on the day of the wedding!  Sounds ludicrous don’t it?!  Well, this is exactly what I watched last night on WE!  A sickening, psychologically damaging show called “Jilted?”, where the tradition-laden table is turned and the woman pops the question.  I witnessed a thirty-something woman with a biological clock ticking louder than Big Ben, force her confused and flabbergasted boyfriend of a year into a decision of a lifetime.  Then she threw their relationship away because he couldn’t marry her after a year and a week!  How insanely ridiculous?! 



A-Lister(s): Are You Planning Your Love Away?

"What the?!  I can't
possibly be all of
these things!"

We all know someone like her.  The woman who has a mile-long list of qualities that she MUST have in a man.  This list practically trails the floor and crosses city and state lines.  It has jagged edges from months of additions and side notes.  Its detailed content surpasses the U.S. Constitution! If you ever got a peak at the list, you may have seen some impractical expectations or unrealistic aspirations.  Things like: must make X amount of money per year, must exercise 5.5 times a week, must have a certain amount of facial hair, must allow her to be right ALL the time (even when she’s wrong!), must be able to read minds and prevent arguments that result in him winning, and the list drags on!  Before I really go in, I don’t want it misconstrued that having standards and expectations is a negative thing.  In fact, I believe it’s important to know what you want.  However, there are a few issues with being too picky and judgmental about a potential mate. 



What Are You Thankful For?

Good Morning World!  This post is not just for those celebrating Thanksgiving Day, but for everyone.  A tradition for those who do celebrate this holiday involves going around a food-filled table of family and friends and stating what we are thankful for.  As lovely as this is, I am making a vow today to be grateful everyday of the year.  We are not privy to the contents and happenings of each coming day, but we ALWAYS have something to be thankful for.  Whether it is your health, your friends, the roof over your head, the opportunity to eat or just the strength to move forward we are all blessed!  If you have everything you want, never forget that there are others out there who would love what you have.  Give back with a kind heart and understanding spirit.  If you are hoping for a miracle, realize that you are surrounded by them!  We have to be thankful for everything whether large or small because nothing is promised!

Remember these people as you go throughout your day:

The soldiers fighting around the world...
The homeless women, men and children who don't know where their next meal is coming from...
The unemployed people who struggle to make their holiday special...
The elderly who rarely/never get a visit or a kind word from their family...
The orphans who are wishing someone will take them home...
The poor who don't have the opportunity to sit at a dinner table...
All that are less fortunate, but more grateful than those of us who have what we want...

Never forget how blessed your life is!  Things could always be worse and you can always make someone else's life better no matter who you are! 

I am thankful to be awake, thankful to be loved, thankful to be healthy and thankful to be able to express myself!  What are you thankful for today?!