PSA: To all the men out there…KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! If you want nothing, you want nothing and let it go! If you want friendship, you want friendship and pursue that! If you want sex, you want sex and pursue that! If you want a relationship, you want a relationship and pursue that! Quit merging and mixing emotions, needs and wants! Stop playing games because when you really DO want something serious with someone you fall for, she may be so bitter and down-trodden by the games that she can’t appreciate you! JUST STOP IT!I met a delightful guy the other night and we sparked up an enlightening conversation. Of course relationships were the main topic. We covered standards, intimacy, cheating and the media’s role in whom we choose to date. He brought up a television show where a forum of men and women discussed why so many women of color are single. As a single woman of color, I am a little sick of being asked that question…but I digress! I will cover that topic on another post! However, I did let him know why I was single by the end of our talk. We decided to wrap up with one tidbit of advice that I could share with my girls on a man’s point of view and vice versa. He offered this…”Women should be more accepting and patient with a man who doesn’t have everything, but has the potential to build everything with her.” I agreed and I offered him this... “Men should be honest with themselves, and who they approach, about what they want. Regardless of whether it is nothing, friendship, sex or something serious, allow a woman to know what she is getting herself into.”
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| Cut the crap and just be real! |
Like I tell my girlfriends, I COULD be in a relationship but at what cost? As a serial dater for the past year, I am sick of crossing paths with inconsistent and indecisive men. For a while I was meeting quality guys who met both my fixed and floating standards. We would date for a period of time and then the dynamic would change. The true colors would come poking through exposing confusion, fear and a complete change; usually for the worst. Good thing they don’t get what they REALLY wanted from me because I would have had to change my day job! Back to the topic at hand, I have always believed communication is like calligraphy. Even though everybody has the capacity to do something so beautiful, there are only a few people patient enough to learn the art. I think a lot of men would be surprised at the response they would get from being honest with women about what they want. Less time will be wasted, a woman’s response is usually instant and the need for damage control practically disappears! So there are typically four boxes men can put women in: No Relationship, Friendship, Sex Only, or Relationship. Here is my female perspective on approaching each of these categories:
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| Let a person know! You would want that too! |
No Relationship: We have all been there! You meet someone and before long, you realize that you don’t want them in your life. Regardless of the reason, give a reason! Everybody deserves that level of respect. I meet so many women who still hold on to why a guy didn’t return or what happened to make him change. I used to waste my time doing this, but I quickly lost the ability to care! If you need some tips on HOW to tell a woman this, read my post "Break-Up Chumps"
Friendship: Ok, so you met someone and they fell into the friend box. That’s cool, but don’t take her out on fantastic and meaningful dates, don’t call her all the time creating the illusion of commitment, don’t bother creating an extraordinary environment of more care than you can give! Women thrive on attention and read into actions. Be careful that your actions aren’t leading someone on. If they have and you are planning a demotion, be honest about that too! It's kinda hard to take a love pay-cut, but it can be done. Men and women can be friends, but there is work involved in this. Set your boundaries and be specific about them. This means no occasional sex people!
Sex Only: With the increase of commitment-phobes, some women have become willing to accept a strictly sexual relationship. Regardless of how open-minded a woman may be, she never wants to be in this box without knowing it! If you are in your whore phase, that’s cool! However, stray from creating illusions of wanting more. Also, be honest without being vulgar or disrespectful. If you come across a woman who isn’t willing to reside in this box, respect her wishes and move on. Trust me; you WILL meet someone who doesn’t mind your advances.
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| Don't roll the dice and decide! Allow her to have a say! |
Relationship: For a good month, I was in a “relationship” with a guy and didn’t even know it until I met his family! Needless to say, he was in the Friendship box and eventually got dumped into the No Relationship box! Back in the day, you would send a letter with “Do you wanna go with me? Check yes, no or maybe.” Crazy how we forgot the effectiveness of this approach! Now, of course, we want to alter this a bit for adult use. Don’t assume that you and a female are in a relationship without discussing it with her present! Let her be a willing party in the decision. This can eradicate the damage control I mentioned earlier!
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| I can't say it enough... COMMUNICATE! |
Lately, I have had a lot of presentations with all female audiences. Usually before, during or after we get into discussions about why women are so bitter and angry about men. My theory is that some women don’t know their worth or demand the best and get upset when things go wrong. Subsequently, most men don’t know what they want or are not willing to put in the work to create what they want. So many people are walking around wounded, but refuse to heal. EVERYBODY has been bamboozled at one point or another, but we can’t base our new relationships on past hurts. This betrayal usually results in that person becoming so jaded and guarded that they could have Mr. or Misses Right two feet from their face and disregard their significance because they were hurt. We got to do better people! Know what you want and become skilled at the art of expressing it. It will make the world a less bitter place! Ta-ta for now!
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